Hey, it’s me.
I know it’s been a while. I think I’m sorry about that, but at the time I felt like I was justified.
I was so mad at you, I felt like things happened that were your fault. I felt like I asked for one thing, I prayed and prayed for it. And all that kept appearing were false starts.
You know what I’m talking about so I’m not going to embarrass myself by voicing it out loud.
Do I need to learn to be patient? Do I need to learn to accept your love and build a relationship with you? Do I need to learn to be happy with myself?
Just whatever it is, please make it more obvious. Because I’ve driven myself crazy trying to get there on my own; I’ve gotten nowhere, and if anything I’ve gone backwards.
So, this is me…asking for your help. Saying I’m sorry that I got lost. Admitting that I can’t deal with everything by myself, no matter how much I might tell myself that I can, and no matter how much I might try to.
I don’t know how to do this, so I’ll probably go wrong. I’ll fall off the wagon, but I promise I’m going to try my hardest. And I know that you deliberately made us imperfect, so I’m not too worried about getting it wrong or doubting things because I know that I have willpower and motivation and if I set my mind to something, I generally see it through to the end. I have that ability.
So when I do get doubtful, or frustrated, please remind me of what I’m doing and why. I need your help to develop the skills I need; patience, trust, faith…because I’ve had those things battered out of me by other people, while I was trying to do everything by myself.
I believe you have a plan. I worry that I tell myself that just so I don’t panic, and so that I don’t fall into old habits and try and control everything by myself. Yes, I have free will. But so far just going on that hasn’t got me so far and things aren’t so peachy, so…….
I’m sorry it’s taken what it has to get me where I am now, but sometimes – especially with stubborn people like me! – I think you have to go through shit by yourself to realise the truth. It’s no good someone else telling you, you have to come by these realisations by yourself so that they’re genuine and real for you as an individual.
And what a relief it is to know that it’s never too late.
So I’m going to church this Sunday. It’s going to be awkward and uncomfortable but I’m determined to do it. Please help me to do it.
I want to prove to myself that I can and I want to see this through and if I don’t go now, I never will.
Let’s do this, together.