The End

So I thought my final decision was coming to fruition when he messaged me on Sunday, at the lads BBQ, saying he’d hardly drunk anything and he was getting a lift home because he had a really bad migraine.

He then rang me.

We had a normal conversation, laughing and joking and getting along.

He said thanks for the offer but there was nothing I could bring him, he just needed food. He kept saying this over and over, about how hungry he was. In the end, I said like “that’s it, I’m coming over with food, just to shut you up and get my Easter egg” (which he had bought me the weekend before and I’d forgotten! *boo-hoo*

He was laughing and said okay but if you want to see me why don’t you just say “*Name*, neither of us are doing anything right now, do you want to hang out at yours?” So I was laughing saying I wasn’t going to invite myself over. He said to come over and not worry about food, he’d order in.

So on the way he messaged me like, hurry up food’s coming!

I got there, and things were weird again.

We watched a film and had some food, had a bit of a chat. Went to bed……nothing.

He didn’t even say “come here” and cuddle and kiss me like normal. So I left it. Woke up in the middle of the night and he was cuddling me, I went to kiss him and he brushed me off. So I turned over in his arms and went to sleep.

Next morning, he goes off to get his car. I have a shower, get ready. He comes back with McDonald’s breakfast. We eat said breakfast.

And he put his game on as normal. Said “I’ll have to teach you how to play this, babe”.

And we sat and chatted about the game and were quite content, as normal.

We put some films on. I initiated contact by laying next to him.

And he was being really tender and intimate, stroking my hair and the back of my neck, and the piece of skin near the top of my jeans that was exposed where my top had ridden up.

I told him it was really nice, but when I leaned round to kiss him a couple of times he didn’t lean in back, he kind of pulled away to look at me. Either he didn’t realise or he didn’t want to kiss me.

By the evening I knew that time was running out to talk to him so I very slowly and very cringingly said that he was acting a bit different and was everything okay? I made it sound so bad though because I said “it really bothers me that we haven’t had sex this weekend, is that bad? Should I be worried about that?” And with a smirk he said “I’m not just a piece of meat you know”, so of course I said obviously I know that and that I’m not either. And I asked him if he was getting freaked out. He said no, not at all. That he didn’t realise he’d been acting differently and that he didn’t mean to. Which I think is bullshit.

So he came upstairs with me to pack up my stuff and see me out, we started play fighting on the bed and messing about and we were just like normal. Then he asked me to message him when I got home, he kissed me goodbye and I left.

Stupidly I thought that everything was fine and that I was right when I thought before that the problem wasn’t real, and was just an issue that I was inventing.

But.

Always a fucking ‘but’!!!

We exchanged messages yesterday morning and they were jokey and cute, like normal. He said he had a lot of meetings on during the day and would message me when he could, and called me “sweets” as normal. But by lunchtime I’d heard nothing so I sent him a funny video, he asked me what it was and I said it was something to make him laugh, he said he’d watch the full thing later and I said I thought he’d like it.

Then by 8pm that night I’d heard nothing again, so I messaged him about half 9, after my bath. And I did ‘our thing’.

I said “Do you want to hear something gay?” And he sent our reply “Always?” And I said “I miss you sending me gay things”. He joked that this wasn’t that gay, I said probably not to be fair. And then I asked him why he didn’t send me gay things anymore.

I spoke to my Mum this morning about it all, we decided there was no harm in messaging him asking if he wanted to do anything this weekend.

Then at work this morning, first thing, he replied to my message. And he said he doesn’t know why he doesn’t send me gay things anymore, but didn’t I think things had changed between us recently?

I said of course I did, that I thought the whole mum/girlfriend comment had freaked him out. I said I felt like he’d been cooling off but I wanted to keep seeing him so hadn’t pushed things, and explained that this was what I’d been trying to talk to him about on Monday.

He’s read the messages and not replied.

I’ve spoken to my best friend/boss and she’s as confused as I am.

I don’t get it. If he just wanted a casual relationship or easy sex, why would he go to the extreme of telling me how much he likes me and that I blow his mind each and every day and he can’t get enough of me (direct quote)? That made me think that he really liked me. Then literally 2 days after the girlfriend comment he changed. Went completely distant and off. So how can I not link the two as being related?

So either he was lying, didn’t feel like that about me and for whatever reason was just saying that. Or he did genuinely feel like that and he either has changed his mind – maybe I said or did something, maybe he just changed his mind – OR I’ve unintentionally made him feel uninterested/not bothered/like I’m not looking for a serious relationship.

But if he doesn’t message me back, how will we deal with this?! Surely he cares enough to discuss this with me, even if he is going to break things off?

He said he was a decent person who doesn’t act like a player or a fuckboy and who is straight and honest with people. Was that just something he said?

I just hate not knowing. I’ll be disappointed if he wants to call things off because I felt like we got on really well, like we had chemistry and a spark, like we had things in common and wanted the same things. But I’d rather just know. Because if he is going to call things off, although (like I say) I’ll be disappointed, at least I know and I can deal with it and move on.

I know he’s busy with work but he gets an hour lunch break, during which time he normally goes home, and so I was kind of hoping he’d message me then. But he hasn’t.

So if he hasn’t messaged me by 8/9pm tonight, after gym time and dinner time, I’m going to write a calm and well-worded message basically saying that I really liked him, that I was sorry things were like this and that I’m disappointed. And then at least I feel like I can walk away knowing I tried to fix things and carry on seeing him.

I really like him. And he made me feel like he really likes me too.

I guess this is the end?

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