Untitled no.1

So I’m discovering it’s very difficult to stick to my resolution.

When he’s ignored my message for over 12 hours.

Back to my previous question….how do you not feel paranoid and unsure and confused about this?

I know I’m not imagining it, something is wrong.

He would normally at least message me saying “I’m so sorry, I’m really busy etc., etc.”

I asked him on Thursday if he wanted to see each other again soon and he said “of course silly” which is his normal response. But then said it probably wouldn’t be this weekend because of all the stuff he has going on.

Fair enough, but last weekend he bought me an Easter egg. I totally forgot it when I left his on Sunday because it had been left out of sight. And I didn’t realise until Monday afternoon when it was too late, and I didn’t want to say anything to him in case I looked silly.

But he said on the Sunday about seeing each other Friday/Saturday. And when I then reminded him of these plans he said he was busy Friday afternoon and Saturday afternoon, then all day Sunday. Didn’t mention Monday but I know he’s reserved that for hangover day from Sunday.

I just can’t help it, he’s said and done things that have made me believe he really likes me and then out of nowhere, contact virtually stops and when he does talk to me, it seems different.

How can you not read meaning into that?

Then out of nowhere he tagged me in something related to girlfriend/boyfriend on Facebook on Wednesday.

I feel like, unwittingly or not, he’s playing games with me.

Is he?

I want to message him, I want to talk to him and say “look, I’ve got an issue here…” but what if, as someone once said: “You may actually be creating the very problem you’re afraid of.”

What if there is no problem and I’m creating one?

I literally just keep going round in circles in my head, I don’t know what’s best.

Do I leave it and wait for him to message me? What if he’s waiting for me to message him? But he’s read my message so he knows I was the last one to send a message but hasn’t messaged back….so is he not bothered about messaging me? Or does he think he has messaged back but isn’t bothered to look for a reply?

I am not a game player but I feel like situations like these turn us into game players.

I feel like the best thing to do is call him. I have something I want to ask him so I will just play that up and pretend like I didn’t want to just send it in a message. And if he answers, I’ll be able to see how he reacts. And if he doesn’t answer, fair enough….but it’ll be interesting whether he then messages me later to ask why I rung. Because he’ll get a missed call notification.

I feel stupid. I feel juvenile and pathetic and I hate this. I feel like these tights, all worn and torn and raggedy.

Just, what the fuck?


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