So uncertain

I’m sat in an Indian takeaway, waiting to pick up food. Three guys have come in and sat down a few minutes ago, and now a beautifully familiar smell has hit me like a bullet, out of nowhere, I didn’t smell it when they walked past me to sit down. But I can smell it now. I just want to cry.

It’s his smell.

It’s the aftershave I bought him for Christmas, as soon as I smelled it on a colleague at work I knew it was perfect for him. And it suits him.

It was what he was wearing when I kissed him goodbye and walked away on Saturday morning.

He messaged me earlier today saying he was sorry but he’d had to delete me as seeing my name was too much, but that he was always there if I needed him.

This sparked a conversation – whether this was his plan or not I don’t know – and then we had a really hard conversation that seemed to go on forever and yet never get anywhere. We just said about how we were both really upset and and didn’t know what had gone wrong, he said he’d been crying to his best friend all day, I said I was crying too (which I was). Just seeing that message from him just really hit me hard, it tipped me over the edge into a place I didn’t think I’d be with this break-up. I thought I was sad but okay.

I had no tissues so I had to use cotton wool, and we laughed about it.

I just want to see him, to hold him and say that it’ll be okay and that we’ll get through this. But is that true? Is it giving him false hope?

So our conversation ended anyway. And a while later I got a friend request on Facebook, followed by notifications from Snapchat and Instagram that he was following me again.

I still have the day off tomorrow, and it’s his birthday. All I can think tonight is “we should be in Brighton, having a good time” and we’re not. I just still want to spend the day with him, I don’t know why. Pity?

So I’ve messaged him to ask if he still has the day off tomorrow and if so does he want to spend it with me. But that I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not. He hasn’t read it yet, and now I’m sat in the takeaway I have no signal.

I don’t know what to do, I’m so lost and confused. All my feelings seem jumbled and I don’t know where I am or how I feel or anything.

I just want to be with him and for everything to be easy and okay again. I love him so much and yet I don’t know what’s right. Should we be together?

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