Sadness

So I just feel sad. I miss him, I know that things weren’t right, but I still miss him.

I can’t help but wonder whether it’s just because he seems to be fine with it, maybe I thought he’d be chasing after me? When in reality he just made a post on Instagram (for the first time since November 2015….coincidence??) that was obviously a dig at me – and that’s not me being narcissistic or self-obsessed, it was quite obvious.

Last week when I saw him he said that he’d never stop trying, even if I did end things. And maybe an element of the break-up was because I wanted that, I wanted someone to fight for me and I genuinely thought he would.

So either he doesn’t care as much as he said/as much as I thought, or he just thinks that would be sad/desperate/inappropriate?

I’ve got rid of pictures and posts on my social media of me and him because I can’t bear to look at them. They make me sad. It might look pathetic but it’s not, it’s self-preservation.

I’m just watching The Royle Family and I’m watching Dave and Denise….why can’t I find that? Just content with each other, satisfied that they’ve found what they’re looking for and won’t ever want anything else. I know it’s just a silly British comedy series but still, if you really look there’s deep emotions and feelings in it.

I got persuaded by my mate to join Tinder again, just for a laugh. I ended up matching with someone and we’ve talked a bit. Things seemed to be going great and we really get on, he’s said he wants to take me out for a date soon. And then nothing. His message last night was a good night one, I said goodnight back and he didn’t read it. Then I decided to send another this morning, he went online (didn’t read it) and has ignored me. This was an hour ago.

Am I cursed?? Is this karma for something I’ve done wrong?! Or do I read way too much into everything?

Karma for messaging someone else when I’m technically still in a relationship probably.

God, I hate myself sometimes. I really fucking do.

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