I knew this would happen.
I’m wishing so much for the old him that I miss him, I knew I would.
The other night I sort of got my dream, and I knew I would lose interest once it had happened. It was just a lust, a passing fancy.
We were hanging out at his, it was really late and we’d had a few drinks. We just ended up messing about and stuff happened, thankfully nothing that required us to take our clothes off, we were both still fully dressed and sober enough to know that we would never and could never do anything beyond messing around. We’re so close that we haven’t even needed to mention it, we’re still talking as if nothing’s happened.
It says a lot to me about our friendship that we can mess about and yet never let it affect us or our relationship. Sometimes it makes me wonder if a soulmate can actually be someone who you never have a sexual relationship with, and is in fact someone who you love an incredible amount, and who knows you and who you trust implicitly but never actually have sex with. I quite like that thought to be honest.
So I knew I would end up here, confused and alone and just wondering about everything. About how I got here and how this happened, about life, and love, and relationships.
But I’ve heard it said that this is the joy of being human. Raw emotions, that are difficult and complex yet can’t be avoided. They say complex emotions are what make us human.
It’s his birthday next Monday and we were supposed to go to Brighton for the weekend; he’s asked me to cancel it (which luckily I can) and I said he should still do something for his birthday so we said we’d go for a meal together. I’ve booked a table at a Belgian place where they do craft beers and ales (which he loves) and really good seafood (which he loves) so we’ll just have to see what happens.
I think instead of cancelling Brighton I’m going to re-book, for another date. I’ll either go with him, or I’ll take a friend. Or I’ll go by myself.
Because if we don’t work out I know what I’ll do, I’ll crave time by myself. Away from work and friends and family, where I can just think about everything. I’m very internal; I analyse everything and deal with stuff in my own head, it’s just how I prefer to do things. So I’d welcome a night or two away by myself somewhere where I can just sit in cafes and drink coffee or iced lemonade, and walk along the beach, and go in all the crazy little shops down the alleys and side streets. Cliched, but true.
Try it sometime, it does wonders for the soul.