Doubts

Is it totally normal to freak out about your relationship?

You know when everything is just fine and it’s all good and you’re happy and you’re kind of, coasting along. And then something happens. Like an old flame sending you a Snapchat.

Just the one.

And you know you shouldn’t reply because you’ve been here before and got burned. But you think you’ll never do that again because that was when you were young and naive and unhappy, and now you’re older and wiser and supposedly happier. But are you?

How can you ever be sure that the person you’re with is the right person? Likewise, how can you ever be sure that the track you’re on is the right one, maybe you’re accidentally on the complete wrong path and you don’t even know it?

I’m so hyper-aware of how short and fleeting human life really is that it makes me almost constantly paranoid that I’m in the wrong job, have the wrong friends, am in the wrong relationship etc., etc., etc.

So I replied to the Snapchat. I probably should mention that this person is someone I matched with on Tinder about April/May 2015, before I met my boyfriend.

The first time we actually met I ended up picking him and his mate up from town after a night out. It was quite a long drive back to his because I got confused and went the wrong way. And we were just driving around for ages, him and his mate were just so funny. And all the stuff I said, he kept looking at me funny. Like, I don’t know, like he was really impressed or something. He clearly fancied the pants off me. Anyway he dropped his mate off and then he ended coming back to mine with me. Obviously I don’t have to spell out what happened next. The next day we got up and I drove him home.

About 3 or 4 days later he came round to mine, stayed a while and then left. Then we had a long text conversation about how he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that he thought he would be in the future (I assume he was hinting at me waiting around) and then a few weeks later I saw on Instagram he was seeing another girl. So I figured it was the usual “I do want a relationship with you, just not with you” and so I forgot all about it and moved on.

So why out of the blue has he got in contact with me?

He was being a little bit flirty but I just ignored it, we agreed we were friends. We were talking for three days and then 2 days ago, about 2am, I got a call. I couldn’t answer. He messaged me saying “why didn’t I pick up?” and he just wanted to see me and he’d been fighting and his nose was bleeding and “why wouldn’t I go to him?”. He kept repeating “I need my Lizzie, I need my Lizzie”.

Is it just the feeling of being wanted? Of being desired by someone but at the same time being unattainable to them?

I asked if he wanted to meet up for coffee, or a drink at the pub. Just for a catch-up. He said he wanted to but was asking about the logistics – when and where and what would my boyfriend say. And that’s kind of where the conversation ended.

So has he just been testing the water and now he’s realised it’s time to move on again and find someone prettier, sexier, cooler, more available? I so want to message him but I know that that’s getting myself into deep, dangerous waters that I tried to swim before. But of course I can’t swim so inevitably I drowned.

I can’t do this again.

I just don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship now. I don’t recognise myself when I’m like this.

So that brings me back to where I started. Doubts. Is it totally normal to freak out about your relationship? How can you ever be sure that the person you’re with is the right person? How can you be sure that you want to be with a person at all?

I’m worried.

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